16th May 1971
Pertwee takes over the put a horse out to graze fund.
'All good things come to an end, and unfortunately for the Admiralty this is terribly true - the crew of HMS Troutbridge are back from leave. Well naturally they've all enjoyed themselves, Sub Lieutenant Phillips has spent his time playing games with ladies of the opposite sex, Lieutenant Commander Murray, being a newlywed, has spent his time confined to married quarters, and being a newlywed, the married quarters were his own! And Chief Petty Officer Pertwee, well - let's face it, nobody knows what he's been up to',
'Yeah well how could they? I wore gloves!'.
'Quite, and to quote Captain Povey "Pertwee's abscence makes the heart grow fonder, and Pertwee's presence makes you put your name down for a transplant!", a sentiment shared by the Dockyard Police about the entire crew as one by one they enter the dockyard gates....'
Phillips and Murray arrive and recount the adventures they had on their holidays, Mr Phillips enjoying playing snakes and ladders with a gorgeous "bumpy blonde bird" and Murray getting married, and then hurting his back - after getting trapped under the gas stove trying to get a spur his wife dropped. They are interrupted by the arrival of CPO Pertwee - and the crowd of people chasing him for their money. Pertwee makes it into the dockyard and persuades the police to close the gates for "their" protection.
Gate Policeman: 'Now then, having disposed of the customary riot on your return chief - who did you do, for how much, over what, at when, at where and for why?'
CPO Pertwee: 'I have no idea what you are perpetrating about Inspector...'
Gate Policeman: 'Constable!'
CPO Pertwee: 'Still no news of your advancment? I was only gonna say that if Pertwee don't cop a substantial amount of sponduliks in the very near shortly, Pertwee will shortly be considerably shorter in his substantials!'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Ooooh Nasty!'
Pertwee is in the wardroom trying to raise whatever funds he can lay his hands on, and is busy ringing his relatives in search of money. Mr Phillips comes in and Pertwee tries his luck,
CPO Pertwee: 'It just crossed my thinkbox that as two comrades in arms, mutually protecting her glorious Majesty, and making quite sure that like all other Britains She will never, never, never be a slave. I was wondering Mr Phillips, Sir if you could see your way clear to letting me have...'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Not a penny!'
Murray and his new bride Rita enter and announce the happy news that Rita's horse, Bouncing Betty, is expecting. They also mention that they are collecting money for the Put a Horse Out to Graze Fund. Pertwee's attention is well and truly grabbed by their collecting tin and the money rattling it! Pertwee then tells Murray he isn't looking to well and should go and lay down, and that Murray should let him take over the running of the collection as it is, '...a fund so dear to my heart!.'
At Pourtsmouth a few days later, Povey is astounded to start receiving calls saying that Pertwee has paid the money he owes people. The Admiral storms in demanding to know how Pertwee slipped through their grasp, 'We can't have men in the lower decks running up bills, otherwise somebody might start examining my expenses!' They are just wondering how Pertwee has got all this money when the man himself comes in, looking for a donation to the horse fund. Povey at first refuses to give any money until the Admiral, Rita's father, advises him to. Under threat of promotion, or lack of it, Povey is relieved of all his lose change and then starts on his tea money,
Captain Povey: ‘I'll just have to use this morning’s tea bag again.' Clink, 'And again' clink, 'And again' clink, 'And again..', 'Come on, one more for Bouncing Betty!' clink
Mr Phillips encounters the Padre in the wardroom, and shocks him by saying he is about to become a father. Much to the Padre's releif, Phillips tells him he is going to adopt Bouncing Betty's foal. Murray and Rita come in and thank the two of them for their help in the collection, and they set about counting the 18 tins that Pertwee has collected. Pertwee comes in asking for another tin, but feigns illness as soon as he sees them opening the first tin and tries to leave,'Standfast chief, I'm not a suspiscious man but I think we'd better open the first tin.' Pertwee tries his best to persuade them to leave the tins alone and the let the bank count them but they open the first tin,
Sub Lt Phillips: Lumey, I've never seen so many buttons and plastic washers. Try another one Padre... Gosh! Now I've never seen so many buttons and plastic washers twice! I wonder what the horses do with them?'
Pertwee insists that he's only 'borrowed' the money and will pay it all back, and to that end, he starts the Keep the Sailor Afloat Fund.....
Cast and Crew
- WRN Chasen - Heather Chasen
- Captain Povey - Richard Caldicot
- Commander Murray - Stephen Murray
- CPO Pertwee - Jon Pertwee
- SL Phillips - Leslie Phillips
- The Padre - Michael Bates
- The Admiral - Tenniel Evans
- Rita Murray - Heather Chasen
- Gate Policeman - ?Michael Bates?
- Shamus O'Ginsburg - Tenniel Evans
- Written By: Laurie Wyman and George Evens
- Produced By: Alastair Scott Johnson