Opening remarks[]
- Michael: We all try to get something for nothing.
- Phillips: Ha, ha, ha, ha. As Lady Chatterley said to her game keeper.
- Michael: Quiet. In other words, if we see something we fancy, we appreciate it a lot more if we're offered a bit off.
- Phillips: Ho, ho, ho, ho. As Lady Chatterley said er...
- Michael: Do you mind, Mr Phillips?
- Pertwee: Ha-ha! Lady Chatterley didn't.
- Michael: I shall finish this announcement if it kills me. We all like a bargain and my wife, like all wives, is no exception. Only last week I was taking her to the Michael Aspel Family Favourites Awards Ball. She wanted a new pair of shoes but, err, fortunately the sales were on and that evening she returned with a brand-new pair of shoes which had been slashed from five pounds ten old money to five pounds fifty.
- Murray: Six to four they were a size to small.
- Phillips: And she couldn't dance in them.
- Michael: They were. And she did. But the next day it cost me three quid in chiropodist fees.
- Phillips: There was a free bargain in my comic last week.
- Pertwee: Yes Sir?
- Phillips: Mmm. It offered a special bargain offer of a kite with a Mickey Mouse face on it for only five new pees, or generous easy terms with your money back guaranteed if not satisfied within ten days.
- Pertwee: Five new pence for a kite? Huh that must have been a bargain.
- Phillips: No, it wasn't no. It didn't look a bit like Mickey Mouse, it wouldn't fly and it cost me twenty pence to send it back.
- Michael: Now I wouldn't joke about bargains if I were you Chief because something's gone very wrong with the one you've negotiated with your Uncle Ebenezer at his War Surplus Emporium.
- Pertwee: What? Oh, excuse me. (Whoosh FX).
