'As regular listeners will know Sub-Lieutenant Phillips' romantic path never runs true, not only that - never even runs... walks! Usually straight down a cull-de-sac! Fortunately there are always new girls being drafted to the WRNery at Portsmouth and if he dates them quick enough they don't realise that an evening with Mr Phillips is likely to be the non-event of their nautical careers,'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Now, now, now, now that's unkind'
CPO Pertwee: 'Yeah, but horribly true, Sir!'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Oh granted, but it's still unkind.'
Cmdr Murray: 'Of course his age is against him'
CPO Pertwee: 'He's not that old, Sir'
Cmdr Murray: 'I meant his mental age!'
Announcer: 'If you two have quite finished!'
Murray and Pertwee: 'We have - carry on!'
Announcer: 'Thank you. Undaunted by past failures Sub-Lieutenant Phillips is even now trying out his losing charms on the new WRN in the communications branch at Pompey....'
Mr Phillips is impressing the new WRN, Veronica Penfold, with his yo-yo tricks. He eventually gets round to asking her out to dinner at restaurant 'down a pretty little muse in Gosport'. Unexpectedly she agrees, but is disappointed to hear their won't be until the 31st,
WRN Penfold: 'But that’s in ten days’ time!'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'I know, that's when I get paid!'
Mr Phillips then realises that he'll be at sea on 31st, but he promises to keep in touch with her somehow and they'll go out as soon as he gets back
Pertwee and Murray are on the bridge of Troutbridge coming into Portsmouth and are enjoying Mr Phillips' abscence, as he is in his cabin preparing for his date with WRN Penfold. Goldstein buzzes to remind them that they're approaching Portsmouth harbour. Murray sets Troutbridge on a perfect entry into the harbour, but just in time, Mr Phillips makes it to the bridge,
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Here, here what's going on! Who altered my course? Left hand down a bit.'
CPO Pertwee: 'Left hand down a bit, Sir!'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Right, right hand up a bit.'
CPO Pertwee: 'Right hand up a bit, Sir!'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Ah, up.....up.....up.....up.....up.....up.....up.....up.....up'
CPO Pertwee: '.......up......up.....up.....up.....up.....up.....up.....up.....up'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Back abit.........back abit'
CPO Pertwee: '.......back abit Sir!'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Whooooooaaaaaaa! We've hit it!'
The crew go off to see why Captain Povey has summoned them back a day early.
WRN Penfold goes to WREN Chasen to see if the loud bang she heard was Troutbridge returning and is warned by Chasen to keep an eye on Mr Phillips, or 'octopuss paws' as the WRNs know him, most of whom have been to the 'nice little restraunt down the pretty little muse in Gosport'.
Povey is in his office with Vice Admiral Buttonshaw, explaining to the crew why they were called back early. Mysterious coded signals have been transmitted to Portsmouth for the last 10 days from a position near to Troutbridge, even though no other ships were evident on radar, and Povey suggests they could be from a foreign power or even UFO's. The crew are to take Troutbridge to the same postion to try and find the source of the signals, much to Phillips annoyance as he'll have to miss his date.
On Troutbridge around the time signals have been sent, Murray and Pertwee are waiting for something to happen but are having trouble seeing anything due to the dense fog. Pertwee is spending the time trying to buy himself out, to no avail. Murray says he's free to use the seaboat, which is in dire need of repair, but the offer is declined. Pertwee becomes more scared playing I-spy and is tempted to take his chances with the dodgy seaboat,
Cmdr Murray: 'Standfast chief!'
CPO Pertwee: 'Its very kind of you Sir, but I'd rather not. Any moment now, that doors going to open and some ghastly apparition's going to materialise in the midst of us! And I don't want to be here when it does!'
Sub Lt Phillips: (Entering)'Hello, you chaps!'
CPO Pertwee: 'Aaaargh! It’s arrived!'
Recovering from Mr Phillips entrance, they are called by AS Ginger from the WT room. He says that they've received a message from Portsmouth saying the signals are still coming from their position and they should move 3 miles to avoid any danger, which they eventually do after the recounting of one of Mr Phillips' films, which as normal has nothing to do with their situation.
In the morning The Admiral and Rear Admiral Ironbridge go to see Povey and tell him that the signals moved as Troutbridge moved and that Povey should recall them to Portsmouth as it’s too dangerous for them to stay where they are.
Back at Portsmouth the crew are in Povey's office and finally hear some of the signals that have been intercepted which amazingly, or not, Mr Phillips is able to read - because they are the messages he’s been sending to WRN Penfold to remind her of their date, which he can't go on anyway as he forgot to check the roster and is Duty Officer that night and is confined to the ship - leaving WRN Penfold to CPO Pertwee's questionable charms!
Cast and Crew
- WRN Chasen - Heather Chasen
- Captain Povey - Richard Caldicot
- Commander Murray - Stephen Murray
- CPO Pertwee - Jon Pertwee
- SL Phillips - Leslie Phillips
- The Admiral - Tenniel Evans
- Rear Admiral Ironbridge - Michael Bates
- Vice Admiral Buttonshaw - Jon Pertwee
- WRN Penfold - Norma Ronald
- LS Goldstein - Tenniel Evans
- AS Ginger - Michael Bates
- Written By: Laurie Wyman and George Evans
- Produced By: Alastair Scott Johnson
|Navy Lark Season 12|
|The Put-A-Horse-Out-To-Graze Fund I Impressions For Survival I The Beard-Growing Race I The Mysterious Radio Signals I Operation Recovery I The Slogan Contest I Sir Willoughby at Shanghai I Operation Cowes Barge I Number One's Anniversary I The Loch Ness Monster I The Forbodian Attaché|