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Opening remarks[]

  • Myrtle: Ebenezer Pertwee's War Surplus Emporium Ltd, can I help you Sir?
  • Pertwee: Sir? Myrtle, use your peep holes, it's me, your mother's son, Jonsie.
  • Myrtle: Oh.
  • Pertwee: Here, is that unwashed heap of old clothes in residence?
  • Myrtle: Have you an appointment, Sir?
  • Pertwee: Look, don't try those posh-recepticles rubbish on me. Is the old fool in? He asked to see me.
  • Myrtle: Oh alright, I'll find out if he's about. Nunkie! You've got a visitor!
  • Nunkie: Is it the Inland Revenue, the law or the heavy mob?
  • Myrtle: It's me mother's son, Jonsie.
  • Nunkie: Is it? Tell him to say something so I can be sure it's not a trap.
  • Myrtle: Say something.
  • Pertwee: If you're not out of here in five seconds flat I'm coming into that dirty, filthy hell hole you call an office and jamming a bunch of fives down your scraggy old throat.
  • Nunkie: That's Him
  • (whoosh fx)
  • Nunkie: Watcha Jonsie boy. Here, I've got a deal for you.
  • Pertwee: Good morning.
  • Nunkie: There's money in it for you.
  • Pertwee: Talk on.
  • Nunkie: He-he-he-he. Thought that'd get you. Here, take a look at this stamp, and keep your filthy paws off it.
  • Pertwee: Why?
  • Nunkie: Because it's a three cornered cape haul from Nibblac, and in its un-used, mint condition it's worth a thousand quid on the continent. That means it's worth 150 quid to you, if you can smuggle it over there.
  • Pertwee: Nunkie, philately will get you everywhere. Hu-ha-ha! Yes. There's just one small snag though.
  • Nunkie: What's that?
  • Pertwee: If C.P.O. Pertwee tries to take so much as a toothbrush ashore anywhere, the customs pull all the bristles out to check that he hasn't got an undeclared fag end hidden in the handle.
  • Nunkie: Can't you get another member of the crew to smuggle it abroad for you? In something the customs won't pull apart?
  • Pertwee: Well, like what?
  • Nunkie: Well, there must be something in the shop.
  • Pertwee: What?
  • Nunkie: Err, here, gas stove.
  • Pertwee: Nah.
  • Nunkie: No, no it's a bit big. An aspidistra in a pot? No, no if he waters it he might ruin the stamp what's hidden in the earth. Here, got it. The very thing. Sydney.
  • Pertwee: Pardon?
  • Nunkie: Sydney! The ventriloquist's doll. Nobody'd want to pull Sydney to bits. It wouldn't be nice.
  • Pertwee: Ah, come off it Nunkie, you're getting desperate. Who on board H.M.S. Troutbridge is fool enough, twit enough, clot enough, gullible enough and mug enough to go marching down the gangway clutching a half-bald, clapped out ventriloquist's dummy called Sydney?


Season 15
Sequel to the Talpinium Shell I NANA I Helen, the New Wren I Relief for Station 150 I Black is Beautiful I Sidney and the Stamp I Riding to Victory I Horrible Horace I Officer's and Gent's Lib I The Case of the HGM Mark 5 I Uncle Wilberforce Pertwee
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