Opening remarks[]
- Phillips: Left hand down a bit.
- Pertwee: Left hand down a bit it is, Sir.
- Phillips: Steady. Steady at that. Ship on station, Sir.
- Murray: Good. Good man, Mr Phillips.
- Phillips: Gosh. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
- Pertwee: Yeah, and probably the silliest. Here, Commander Murray Sir, I'm not happy about this test firing-m these Talpinium shells. It's a risk, Sir! I've seen 'em. They look horribly horribly omi-mini-mini-mini-mouse to me, Sir.
- Murray: Nonsense Chief, they look perfectly safe. You should be proud and honoured that Troutbridge has been selected to be the first ship for the trial firing. Proud and honoured. Now then, what are you?
- Pertwee: Proud and honoured. And just a tiny bit frightened to death, Sir.
- Phillips: You're a cowdy, cowdy custard, Chief. Oh it'll be alright. You take the word of Commander Murray's good man like me.
- Murray: Right gentlemen. This is it. Zero hour. All guns, fire!
- Phillips: Fire.
- Pertwee: F-f-f-fire!
- (Raspberry and burp sound fx)
- Phillips: Gosh! These Talpinium shells are a lot quieter than our old ones. Which way did they go?
- Pertwee: They didn't, Sir.
- Murray: Mmm?
- Pertwee: They didn't come out of the barrel.
- Phillips: Perhaps they didn't like to? Because they know they're top secret.
- Pertwee: No I don't think so, Sir. They've jammed in the gun barrels and their little detonators are primed.
- Phillips: Ooh, nasty.
- Murray: Nonsense, Chief. Obviously, they're duds. Now you can take my word for it as Captain of the ship there's no danger at all.
- Pertwee: No, well, thank you, that's it. Lower the sea boats lads, Pertwee wants to paddle off.
- Phillips: Excuse me Commander Murray, Sir. But as your good man, if there's no danger why are our gun barrels swelling up and getting bigger?
- Pertwee: Pardon? Everybody down!
- (Explosion fx)
- Pertwee: Man the boats. Pertwee first. Abandon ship, she's going down!
Theme Music
- Michael Meech: New readers start here. Afloat on a lonely ocean in a rubber dinghy.
| Season 15 |
| Sequel to the Talpinium Shell I NANA I Helen, the New Wren I Relief for Station 150 I Black is Beautiful I Sidney and the Stamp I Riding to Victory I Horrible Horace I Officer's and Gent's Lib I The Case of the HGM Mark 5 I Uncle Wilberforce Pertwee |