Opening remarks[]
- (ship's hooter fx)
- Pertwee: Whoop, whoop, whoop it is Mr Phillips, Sir! And may one ask-d-d-d why one blew one's siren like that-t-t-t?
- Phillips: Of course-t-t-t. One was merely checking if our captain, Commander Murray, was still awake.
- Pertwee: Well he must be, Sir. He's still standing stood upright.
- Phillips: Yes, I know what you mean because ever since we sailed he's been standing there looking like a chap who thinks he's about to solve his little problem, only to realise that he's in the ladies instead.
- Pertwee: Well it happens to each and all and everyone of us, Sir. (clears throat) Err, Commander Murray, Sir? (clears throat louder) Commander Murray, Sir?
- Murray: Mmm? Medicine duty, see the M.O. if it hasn't cleared up in two days.
- Phillips: Commander Murray, Sir. We thought you ought to know - that the ship's on fire!
- Pertwee: The davits for the lifeboats have jammed!
- Phillips: The engine room has blown up!
- Pertwee: The men have mutinied!
- Phillips: We're going down like a stone.
- Murray: Oh... good... carry on.
- Pertwee and Phillips: Commander Murray, what's wrong?
- Murray: Mmm? Oh, I'm sorry chaps. My mind was on somebody, uh, I mean something else.
- Phillips: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Sexy swine.
- Murray: Nothing of the sort. There's nothing wrong. (sobbing) I, I tell you there's, there's nothing. Yes, by Jiminy there is. (sobs)
- Phillips: Chief
- Pertwee: Sir?
- Phillips: He's cracked.
- Pertwee: No, Sir, no. Not potty, just upset.
- Murray: You don't know the torment of hell my soul's been through these last few days. Alright, I admit it. My marriage - is over. My dear wife, Rita-kins, I mean Mrs Murray, has found another man.
- Phillips: Lummie!
- Pertwee: Stone me!
- Phillips: Have you got proof?
- Murray: When you've been married for as short a time as Rita-kins, I mean Mrs Murray, and I have you don't need proof. There are, there are signs. Very definite signs. We haven't err, communicated in weeks.
- Phillips: Ooh, nasty!
- Pertwee: Err, may one ask, erm, who is the usurper who's cut your communications?
- Murray: It's the Naval Horseman of the Year, Gosport and South West Division. Lieutenant Commander, The Honourable Freddy Stanford-Johnson.
| Season 15 |
| Sequel to the Talpinium Shell I NANA I Helen, the New Wren I Relief for Station 150 I Black is Beautiful I Sidney and the Stamp I Riding to Victory I Horrible Horace I Officer's and Gent's Lib I The Case of the HGM Mark 5 I Uncle Wilberforce Pertwee |
