We all know when we've done it once too often, there's the time you wake the following morning and you know you should have refused that last brown ale because your wrist watch sounds like Big Ben. Or when you get home from work and your wife sits you in front of the fire, hands you your pipe, puts on your slippers and tells you she's prepared a special for your Guess What. And you have guessed what, you remember it's your anniversary, you haven’t got her anything and the shops are shut. In the navy you never have to guess what. You're very quickly told when you’re in the,
- Sub Lt. Phillips: 'Ooh Nasty!'
’Anouncer: 'Exactly. And that applies directly to you Mr Phillips, and the rest of the crew of HMS Troutbridge.'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Oh lumey! You don't mean Captain Povey's found out about my minute, hardly worth talking about, tiny little accident when we docked last night?'
Announcer: 'Not yet but he's about to. In fact the report is the first thing he's going to read when he arrives in the office this morning....'
After Povey reads the report of the damage, which includes a train, tug boat, crane, 2 warehouses and a pillarbox, he decides to submitt a detailed report to the M.O.D. to try and get rid of Troutbridge and her crew once and for all.
Murray tells Pertwee and Phillips to meet him on the Quater Deck so they can talk without being overheard.
- Cmdr Murray: 'The gauntlet has been thrown down and I intend to pick it up. If Captain Povey wants a fight then he's got one. I intend to make him rue the day he ever picked a fight with me!'
Sub Lt Phillips: 'Lumey, what're we going to do?'
Cmdr Murray: 'I'm not quite sure! I was hoping one of you two would come up with something!'
Mr Phillips does indeed have an idea, from a film he saw the previous night. He starts explaining the idea and elicits the only response needed, 'Oh, Shut Up!' and a hit to the head. Pertwee comes up with a better idea, to make it look like Povey has gone mad so the Admiralty won’t take his recommendation seriously.
Povey calls Lt. Burkett at the M.O.D. to complain about Troutbridge and is informed to send all the information to them in triplicate, 'We don't need three, but we're liable to lose two!'
Pertwee goes to see Povey, to try and find a way to get him, and is told by WREN Chasen about Povey's love of farmyard impersonnations. Armed with this knowledge Pertwee goes in to Povey's office and tells him of a Ships Concert they're planning. Pertwee leads an all too eager Povey on, saying that he wants to do the farmyard impressions himself. He relents after some "impressive" demonstrations by Povey and agrees to let him in the show. Pertwee escapes Povey's office leaving Povey to his impressions
Murray and Phillips wait for Pertwee outside Povey's office in the dead of night. Mr Phillips is practising his card tricks, without any cards, for the concert despite Murray's repeated attempts at telling him it isn't going to really happen,
- 'Isn't it marvelous! Round it, through it, over it, under it, but nothing ever goes in it!' - Cmdr Murray describing Sub Lt Phillips’ brain.
Pertwee arrives and lets them into the office so they can send fake letters from Povey. He tells Phillips to keep watch out and Murray to hold the door shut while he types a letter. Phillips says that he can type the letter, having been sent to Mrs Pheobe Arbuthknott's Secretarial School for the Sons of Gentlemen, he has a speed of 160 per minute. However, after reading the first page of Mr Philips typing - Pertwee retakes the control of the typewriter,
- Sub Lt Phillips: 'I didn't say words. I do 160 letters a minute. You can't expect me to make the letters into words as well'
Pertwee sets about typing the letters
At the M.O.D. Burkett and Deacon receive the letters supposedly from Povey. Thinking he's gone mad they send the letters to The Admiral so he can deal with Povey.
Pertwee, Murray and Phillips arrive at Povey's office just as The Admiral arrives to question Povey about the letters,
- The Admiral: 'Now then Povey, whats all this hear from the M.O.D. about you going cuckoo?'
Captain Povey 'Oh no. No no no. I don't go cuckoo. I just tuck my elbows into my side, and flap my arms up and down like this, then I throw back my head, and I go Cock-a-doodle doooooo! And then I go quack, quaaack, quaaaack - ougalumph!'
Suitably convinced that Povey's gone bananas, The Admiral puts him on 14 days sick-leave, meaning he can't submit his report about Troutbridge.
Cast and Crew
- WREN Chasen - Heather Chasen
- Captain Povey - Richard Caldicot
- Commander Murray - Stephen Murray
- CPO Pertwee - Jon Pertwee
- SL Phillips - Leslie Phillips
- The Admiral - Tenniel Evans
- Lt. Burkett - Michael Bates
- Lt. Deacon - Tenniel Evans
- Flag Lt. Dingle - Michael Bates
- Written By: Laurie Wyman and George Evans
- Produced By: Alastair Scott Johnson
|Navy Lark Season 12|
|The Put-A-Horse-Out-To-Graze Fund I Impressions For Survival I The Beard-Growing Race I The Mysterious Radio Signals I Operation Recovery I The Slogan Contest I Sir Willoughby at Shanghai I Operation Cowes Barge I Number One's Anniversary I The Loch Ness Monster I The Forbodian Attaché|