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Madame Elvira hypnotisis the crew of HMS Troutbridge, including Chief Petty Officer Pertwee.

Opening remarks[]

  • Michael: All husbands constantly ask themselves 'are you a man or a mouse?' Well in my house I'm definitely a man. What's more I can prove it, because I'm the one who wears the trousers. Come to think of it we both do but my trousers are trendier than hers and if you're listening darling, just for a change, take them off before I get home.
  • Phillips: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Sexy swine.
  • Pertwee: Mr Phillips, Sir?
  • Phillips: Err, yes Chief.
  • Pertwee: Yeah, Mr De Morgan is right about women wearing trousers, Sir. I, an I for one can remember when Pertwee enjoyed whistling at the lower-walking-about appurtenances of ladies of the opposite sex.
  • Michael: You dear old-fashioned thing. Don't you realise, Chief, that trousers for ladies are the current fashion?
  • Phillips: Ah, fashion. Now there's an interesting word. They gave the derivation of it in my comic last week.
  • Pertwee: Yes, I thought they would, Sir.
  • Phillips: No, no, no. It's jolly interesting. Now fashion when it's broken up into bits means. F A.
  • Pertwee: Pardon?
  • Phillips: As in Fanny Adams. Which can be pronounced far, meaning a long way off or after do-re-mi. Then shhh, as in you know who. Which leaves us with ion.
  • Pertwee: Pardon?
  • Phillips: Ion. In Scottish it's pronounced Ian. As in Carmichael. But in English it's pronounced iron, as in that heavy thing you use to press your drip-drying non-Carmichael shirts with.
  • Pertwee: I see, sir. So according to your comic Mr Phillips Sir, the word fashion means - from a long way off Fanny Adams is not only after the dough from Ray and you but also after Ian Carmichael's shhh you know what with a heavy thing.
  • Phillips: Exactly.
  • Michael: Now unfortunately all men aren't like me, they are mice in their own homes. Captain Povey is one. In fact, Captain Povey is even a failure as a mouse. He hasn't had a nibble at home for years. Now he's waiting to consult Chief Petty Officer Pertwee aboard Troutbridge for a solution to his marital problem, i.e. his wife.

Season 13
The TV Documentary I The P.O.W. Escape Exercise I Number One's Married Quarters I Operating for Profit I The Bumble Spit Lighthouse Affair I The Tonipouhaha Treasure I The U.S.A. Navigator Swap I Son Of A Sea Lord I Hypnotising Ramona I The Master of Sardinia I Opportunity Knockers I Friday The 13th I The New NAAFI