Opening remarks[]
- (voices in background)
- Admiral: Oi. I'm the Admiral and this is my court of enquiry so shut your clattering cake holes! Oi! I'm talking so cork up. Anymore of this and I'll find Phillips guilty.
- (silence)
- Phillips: Gosh, thanks chaps. I didn't know you cared.
- Murray: Well we don't really, but usually his next threat is to lock up the gin and that's serious.
- Admiral: Exactly. Right, as president of this court of enquiry I've listened to all the evidence, and blasted dull most of it was, but we have to wallow through the rubbish.
- Phillips: I'm innocent I tell you, I'm innocent. I'm innocent, as Noddy is my witness. I'm innocent. Innocent!
- Weatherby: I br... I brr... I brr... I brr um, brr...I brr...I brr...I don't remember, brr...I brr...I brr...I don't, I don't. Brr... I brr... I, brr...I don't, I don't' recall any of th, any of th, any of th (sings) dance, ballerina dance, I brr...I don't remember at all the the any, the any, the any, eh don't panic Weatherby, brr, take a rush at it, I brr...I brr...I don't recall hearing evi... evid... evid... evidence from a witness erm called nod... nod... nod... fl mm-fl mm-fl mm-fl called nod, n...n nod, n...n nod, n...n nod, dash dash, uble dash, oh to hell with it he...ble he...ble he...ble he'd have told a pack of lies anyway.
- Admiral: At last!
- Atchison: My, my feelings (sneezing) PRE-cisely.
- Admiral: Oh suffering seacats, Atchinson is off now. Ah, watch your hats everybody. His hayfever is at force nine this morning.
- Atchison: I, I, I do, I do, (sneezing) AH-pologise but we have heard the EVI-dence so, so let's have s... s... s... SIL-ence for the Admiral's con, con, con, uh, uh CONCLUSION!
- Povey: Good thinking, Captain Atchison. However, Admiral, I would like to...
- Admiral: You can't Povey, I'm talking, you'll have to wait.
- Povey: But, but it will be too late.
- Admiral: Oh, oh, oh very well. Off you go then.
- Povey: No, no, I mean it'll be too late for me to give my evidence if you sum up now. I haven't had a chance to speak.
- Admiral: Splendid, let's keep it that way. Now then after hearing all this waffle as to whether or not Sub-Lieutenant Phyllis, oh WREN Phillips or whatever it's blasted name is, hazarded Troutbridge by belting the living arc lights out of the Nab lighthouse, it's up to me to decide whether the blonde twit should be court marshalled.
- Phillips: I'm innocent I tell you, innocent. Innocent! By all that I hold dear, like my Donald Duck watch. I'm innocent. Innocent!
- Pertwee: Steady, Sir. Steady. It's the Admiral who will tell you if you're innocent or not. Not Mr D Duck.
- Admiral: Well thank Beatty's Braces somebody appreciates I'm blasted important. Now then, up to the last witness's evidence, the mob this side of this tatty table reckon the case was sown up. However, thanks to C.P.O. Pertwee's theory that the accident would never have happened if Edison hadn't built the lighthouse in the wrong place through bunging it at low tide instead of at high tide, so that it's about a hundred yards out of position, we've no alternative but to find Phillips not guilty.
- Phillips: That's not fair, I demand to be heard. I demand a fresh trial by twelve good men and... what did he say?
- Murray: He said you're not guilty, Mr Phillips. Thanks to the Chief, you've been proved innocent.
- Phillips: Well really. What a rotten waste of time. I told you all that three hours ago.
- Pertwee: There's none so grateful as those what can't see the wood for the dirty glass of the green house he shouldn't throw stones at.
- Murray: Quite. Err, I think. E...n Really, Chief, I must congratulate you on that tissue of, eh, err, your evidence. It's absolutely brilliant. You've certainly got an inventive mind, I...I'll give you that.
- Pertwee: Yeah, well possibly, Sir. Runs in the family you know? But compared with great, great grandfather Wilberforce Pertwee, my inventive mind is still on the drawing board. He weren't there but if he had been, he'd even have got Hardy off after he kissed Lord Nelson.
- Phillips: Lummy, I'd like to hear more about great great grandfather Wilberforce.
- Murray: Yeah, so would I.
- Admiral: Well I wouldn't so hop it the lot of you. Finish your chat about Pertwee's ghastly relatives outside. Great knows there are plenty of 'em. You know, if you dropped a couple of bob on the pavement, a new Pertwee'd crawl out from under the stone and grab it.
- Pertwee: Well!