Opening remarks[]
- Michael: Perhaps the most dangerous invention of the Swinging Sixties is the do-it-yourself man. Why pay a professional when you can wreck whatever it is cheaper? In any case if you mend it there's just a chance the wife won't find out you broke it.
- Murray: Yeah, I see what you mean Pertwee, from the front Mr De Morgan doesn't look at all bad.
- Pertwee: Yeah, quite Sir, yeah. Yeah but from round the back here you can see the seat of his trousers is all shiny.
- Michael: It's not!
- Phillips: Ha, ha, ha, ha. It is you know? You're a mobile mirror.
- Michael: This is my new suit.
- Murray: Oh. In that case it must have been cheap cloth.
- Pertwee: Or second hand.
- Phillips: I wonder how he managed to get his trousers as shiny as that. Perhaps he slides down the banisters at Broadcasting House.
- Murray: No, I shouldn't think so I mean he, he doesn't exactly look the athletic type, does he?
- Pertwee: No Sir, no, no. No, an indoor games man if ever I saw one.
- Phillips: Ha, ha, ha, ha. If what we've heard is true, we know what sort of indoor games, don't we?
- Michael: It's a lie.
- Pertwee: Y-ha, y-ha, ha, ha. Y-ha, ha, ha, ha. Huh, huh. Ooh you dirty old devil. Y-ha, ha, ha, ha.
- Michael: Oh shut your snigger box.
- Pertwee: Ooh! Ooh. Oh, bang goes your John Snagge Good Conduct Medal.
- Michael: I don't care. I came here to make an announcement not to have my trousers insulted.
- Murray: They're alright from the front.
- Pertwee: So make your announcement and then back off the stage. Yeah, nobody'll know then.
- Michael: Oh shut up. Ladies and gentlemen, the do-it-yourself man is dangerous enough around the house but aboard a ship he is complete disaster, as Mr Phillips discovers when he has a little trouble with the plumbing in his cabin and calls in un-able assistance.
