Everybody Down - The Navy Lark Wiki

Opening remarks[]

  • Pertwee: Ha-ha-ha. Stone Me! The Naval News is getting positively pornographic. Y-ha-ha, I'm happy to say. He-he. Here cop your beady little bardic eyes on this bumpy bird, Goldstein.
  • Goldstein: Where, Chief?
  • Pertwee: Goldstein, if I've got to tell you where, you Welshmen are more backward about ladies that are coming forward than I thought you were.
  • Goldstein: Oh, her. He-he-he-he-he. Disgusting.
  • Pertwee: Ye-he-he. Innit? Yeah. I like the headline. 'It all started with Nelson.' No wonder they call it the Naval News.
  • Goldstein: Come on, Chief. Turn over the next page.
  • Pertwee: Alright, if you insist-t-t-t.
  • Goldstein: Oh! Welsh I may be, prude I'm not, but if my aunt Morpeth cast her eyeballs over that lot, her draws'd drop off.
  • Pertwee: (Wolf Whistle) Here, with dark hair it could be, in fact could well be.
  • Goldstein: I thought Chief Petty Officers preferred blondes or even redheads. Oh, no, no, no. No come to think of it their hair colouring is incidental, cause it's never their bonce they're looking at, is it?
  • Pertwee: Look never mind that patriotic piece of pulchritude on page three, look here.
  • Goldstein: Eh.
  • Pertwee: Shift your peepers on to this gent on page five, here.
  • Goldstein: Daoh. What's Mr Phillips doing with dark hair? 'First Sea Lord offers Two Hundred Pounds reward for information regarding his lost son. The son, Simon, disappeared from the home of Sir Geoffrey Wincanton-Barnes without trace 15 years ago and has not been heard of since.' Here, Chief do you think that Mr Phillips could possibly be...
  • Pertwee: No, Goldstein. But I've got a feeling that provided he doesn't see the photo in the Naval News until I'm ready for him to have a butchers, and that'll mean naturally a certain confiscation of all ship's copies of same, then he'll be putty in Pertwee's paws. Now if I can persuade him to dye his hair black everybody will believe that he's the prodigal son.
  • Goldstein: Why not just pinch his bottle of peroxide rinse?
  • Pertwee: Nah that's no good. He'd only go out and buy another crate.
  • Goldstein: He-he-he. He'll never dye his hair black. I know Mr Phillips is daft but he's not as daft as all that, Sir.
  • Pertwee: Well he'd better cause I need that reward, vital.
  • Goldstein: Why? Who's after you?
  • Pertwee: Nunkie. He advanced me a hundred quid to hi-jack a lorry but the driver did the dirty on me. The rotten perisher didn't stop.
  • Goldstein: He-he-he-he. Then you'd better give him his hundred quid back, hadn't you?
  • Pertwee: I can't. I invested it on a slow horse. Yeah, that's why I've got to get my hands on this reward.
  • Goldstein: Knotted little problem, isn't it? Either Mr Phillips darkens his hair and Nunkie gets his money or you get the wheeach, he-he-he-he.

Season 15
Sequel to the Talpinium Shell I NANA I Helen, the New Wren I Relief for Station 150 I Black is Beautiful I Sidney and the Stamp I Riding to Victory I Horrible Horace I Officer's and Gent's Lib I The Case of the HGM Mark 5 I Uncle Wilberforce Pertwee